The Walk of Couples

Near my workplace is a park with lot greenery, a playground and a walking track. On some evenings I go there for a leisurely walk, while allowing my mind to drift and gain some new perspectives on some issues. The park bustles with activity with men and women indulging in some form of exercise, children playing and with people just chatting.

There are three different categories of couples who visit the park. The ones in their early twenties, who sit on the benches, talking to each other, lost in each other's eyes, oblivious to the world; the ones in their late twenties to forties, who come to the park together for their exercise but walk separately at varying speeds; and then the elderly who walk very slowly together with occasional bursts of conversations.

I think, this pattern is also indicative of how we act in the journey of life. Young couples start of with love as the foundation of their aspirations and actions. They dream their dreams together. At some stage, they migrate their efforts to proving and establishing themselves, and their partner becomes someone in the periphery of the overall priorities. In the never ending chase for fame and proving their worth, times passes, children grow up, friends drift apart and younger folks outpace them at work. Now they realize that their partner is the one who is still willing to walk with them at their now diminished pace. They turn their attention to their partners perhaps out of necessity or perhaps to discover the love which to begin with had given them wings.

Why doesn't it become obvious early on that a journey with love even if traveled at a slower pace will provide more growth and happiness than a solo race to a mirage?

Islands

It is a general impression that due to technology we are well connected to others and socially interacting more. However, despite the advance of technology-supported interactions there is a reduction in the quantity and quality of social relationships. More and more people are reporting that they feel that they have no confidant and that they feel lonely.

Loneliness is not the same as solitude which some people prefer. Loneliness is not being alone but a subjective experience of isolation. People who are lonely feel that they are disliked, are often self-involved and lack empathy with others.

Besides the obvious mental component, loneliness also adversely effects physical health. The influence of loneliness on an individual’s health is comparable with well-established risk factors such as smoking, alcohol consumption, physical inactivity and obesity. Persistent loneliness affects the individual via a deleterious effect on stress hormones, immune function and cardiovascular function.

Studies have shown that both introverts as well as extroverts are likely to get a mood boost from bonding with other people. Thus when feeling blue, the primary urge for isolation is to be avoided while connecting to family or friends is quite desirable.

If you feel like making a difference, the first small step is to reach out and reach out a lot. Reaching out can be a simple gesture of acknowledging another person’s presence by a smile or a greeting. When trying to connect don’t think how useful the other person is going to be, instead think about the value you are going to provide through the interaction.

As you prepare to think of all the warm or smart things you are going to say to drive away your neighbour’s loneliness, you might need to be reminded that some people need a listener.

Reference:
Holt-Lunstad J, Smith TB, Layton JB, 2010 Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review. PLoS Med 7(7): e1000316. doi:10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316 [Full Text]

Fourth Key: Give Up Being Right

An enormous amount of energy becomes available once you give up the need to be right.

If your sole identity is about being right, then you are always under the threat of being proven wrong or having your authority taken away from you.

You must realize that you see the world as you are. Others see the world as they are, too. This insight is tremendously liberating because it makes you realize that there can exist an equality of viewpoints. You express your point of view, but give up the need to defend it. When the need to be right fades, grievances and resentments decrease and so do anger and hostility.

A beautiful exercise is recommended by Deepak Chopra. Everyday ask “What can love do? Show me. I am ready.” Say it out loud. Remember this statement for the rest of the day and be open to how life will reveal its answers to you.

Happiness in Relationships

The primary trait to look for in a partner is strength of character.

I thought about it and I find it very apt. Good character values are not only uplifting and inspiring but also come in useful during times of interpersonal conflict.

In an article, author Karen Salmansohn says that to find sustainable happiness in love, one must prioritize finding a person who:

1. Values growing as a person.

2. Understands that a relationship serves the double function of ‘den of pleasure’ (fun, companionship, etc which keep the passion thriving) and ‘laboratory for growth’ (to inspire, nurture and motivate each other to achieve eudaimonia).